For me, this always comes up when I explain my housing situation. Most people think I'm living in VMC with my three friends Mary, Megan, and Molly, like the plan had been last spring. Once I tell them I'm in Hugh, there's an awkward beat where I have to figure out how to explain why. Here's how the conversation goes down:
"So where are you living this semester?" asks unassuming acquaintance.
"Hugh Hall, over by Lot 12/Premontre and Xanten/in the facilities building." I say.
"Oh really? Why?" prompts the confused sophomore, wondering if I am an outcast loner now or filthy rich.
"Ummm...." And here the conversation can go a couple different ways. I might try to make a joke, as I did with Makhayla's roommate (turned awkward real fast, not doing that again). So usually I will say.... "I actually got diagnosed with lymphoma/cancer this past summer, so I had to get a private room and bathroom." I try to rush those last details so I don't leave the sentence on "cancer".
The other person has no idea what to do with the information I just gave. Do they say sorry? Ask me how I'm doing? Say they'll pray for me? (also sorry for the lack of singular/plural pronoun agreement in that sentence but writing he or she would just be annoying).
And then I say, "yeah, but I'm so happy to be back here...." <-- trailing off into long monologue about how great St. Norbert is and how crazy I would be going at home and how great everyone is, etc.
The poor friend, still talking to me for some reason, has got to be so uncomfortable at this point. How do you react when someone tells you they have cancer, even if it's a curable one and only stage 2? I have no idea. I don't even have a way that I wish people would react.
Be nice if someone would give me a script though, for how to tell people what's going on. I don't want to make it a big deal, because to me (even though it is) it's only a small part of who I am - though I feel like I'm talking about it all the time. I also don't like to make people awkward and uncomfortable, but I know that I do. It's hard and weird and I don't like it.
Hopefully as time goes on, people just talk about it amongst themselves and everyone gets on the same page. Thankfully, almost all of my friends already "like" this blog and page, so I didn't have to individually tell everyone. Thank you, internet!
That's another thing. It is SO much easier to tell people virtually rather than face to face. Because then I can lay out all the details - stage, type, curable, treatments, etc. - and everyone can digest it at his or her own speed. Then they can type out an equally thought out reply, getting all their feelings down, and we can have a nice conversation about it or something else. But when I just spring it on them...no one wins.
If you have any tips for me, especially cancer survivors, on how you have/would deal with this, please let me know.
Chemo number 6 is 6 days away! Officially starting them on Fridays now instead of Wednesdays. After this one, two more until the PET scan!
Current symptoms, side effects, and complaints: Hair thinning like crazy. I am amazed every day that so much can fall out, but I still have a full head of hair on my head. If I had thinner hair, it would easily be all gone by now.
Maybe wear a button that says Cancer Sucks. Then take a sharpie and write "just ask me about it" It might not solve every encounter, but might give a little warning to some. Just remember that it isn't your job to make others feel better about it. Life is worth feeling uncomfortable once in awhile.
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel with explaining what you have. With me you can obviously see but still when I tell people why, there's that same pause of silence like "sorry", "I'll pray for you" or my favorite, "You're so strong and an inspiration. I could not be in your shoes". I say it's fine and they can ask questions. It's a new normal everyday for you and me, even if we have different diagnoses. Keep on going girl!
ReplyDeleteIt's the start of the semester, so it feels overwhelming for you right now, but sooner rather than later, it will just be a known fact that you are being treated for cancer. Some people will ask how you are doing, but that's about it.
ReplyDeleteI just discovered this via Mary's facebook page. I'm moved by how open and vulnerable you're being on this blog, and also by how happy and confident you appeared when I saw you last week. You'll be in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteNow for important matters (not really) -- never apologize for singular 'they'. If it was good enough for Shakespeare, Jane Austen, George Orwell, and C.S. Lewis, it's good enough for mere mortals like us. If anyone disagrees, tell them to go read Pride and Prejudice. (http://www.pemberley.com/janeinfo/austhlis.html)
As awkward and uncomfortable as it seems for you and the other party, you may very well be the first person they’ve ever met undergoing such treatment but most certainly won’t be the last. The first has to be out there somewhere for everyone from which we learn how to deal with and respond to in the future. It sounds to me like you’re delivering this news in the most gentle and respectful way possible. They asked the question and you answered it honestly. I really don't think there’s a better way. This encounter has a far-reaching purpose: You are actually preparing these folks for when they hear this sort of news the next times in their lives.
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