The One With Radiation? Maybe?

Radiation? Is that a thing we actually have to talk about?

At the beginning of this ordeal, we were given a paradigm that outlined the steps to curing my Hodgkin's lymphoma. It goes: Biopsy (check), PET scan (check), 8 things of chemo (almost check!), PET scan 2.0, and then the choice between two weeks of radiation and four more things of chemo.

So far, we've gone along with the assumption that radiation is really bad and scary and potentially dangerous, and that chemo was definitely the lesser of two evils. I resigned myself to another two months of feeling groggy, shaky, and under the weather, as well as potentially putting myself at risk for getting sick (thanks immuno-suppressors).

But after meeting with the radiation oncologist last Thursday, things sounded like they could potentially change. He explained that while radiation is an every day procedure, it only lasts for two, maybe three weeks. And while the area they would be targeting could potentially put me at risk for breast cancer, it is a pretty low percentage of people who get a second cancer due to radiation. If I went with radiation, I would have to take this risk, but I would be done with everything in November instead of December and hopefully start getting my life back in alignment.

Chemo now sounds like it has a lot of other negative side effects, including heart disease (which I'm already at risk for), leukemia, and lung toxicity. This would also completely bring my immune system down to 0 by the end of treatments, which would mean being extra careful while all of my peers are getting sick with colds and the flu.

No matter which I end up choosing, I don't really get to "win". Both have bad side effects and only a couple of advantages. I almost would rather have someone else choose for me, at least so I can "blame" someone else later on if something goes wrong. I know blame is the wrong thing to be seeking now, and it will be no one's fault if I get a negative side effect, but that's how I feel.

Friends who have gone through this (I'm looking at you, Melody! :)) what advice do you have? Are there any other reasons to choose chemo over radiation?

Current symptoms/side effects/general complaints: A lot of shakiness. My handwriting looks like that of a second grader. Little nausea.

The One Where I Never Know What to Say

You know what's hard about having cancer? Telling people you have cancer. There's no easy way to go about it.

For me, this always comes up when I explain my housing situation. Most people think I'm living in VMC with my three friends Mary, Megan, and Molly, like the plan had been last spring. Once I tell them I'm in Hugh, there's an awkward beat where I have to figure out how to explain why. Here's how the conversation goes down:

"So where are you living this semester?" asks unassuming acquaintance.

"Hugh Hall, over by Lot 12/Premontre and Xanten/in the facilities building." I say.

"Oh really? Why?" prompts the confused sophomore, wondering if I am an outcast loner now or filthy rich.

"Ummm...." And here the conversation can go a couple different ways. I might try to make a joke, as I did with Makhayla's roommate (turned awkward real fast, not doing that again). So usually I will say.... "I actually got diagnosed with lymphoma/cancer this past summer, so I had to get a private room and bathroom." I try to rush those last details so I don't leave the sentence on "cancer".

The other person has no idea what to do with the information I just gave. Do they say sorry? Ask me how I'm doing? Say they'll pray for me? (also sorry for the lack of singular/plural pronoun agreement in that sentence but writing he or she would just be annoying).

And then I say, "yeah, but I'm so happy to be back here...." <-- trailing off into long monologue about how great St. Norbert is and how crazy I would be going at home and how great everyone is, etc.

The poor friend, still talking to me for some reason, has got to be so uncomfortable at this point. How do you react when someone tells you they have cancer, even if it's a curable one and only stage 2? I have no idea. I don't even have a way that I wish people would react.

Be nice if someone would give me a script though, for how to tell people what's going on. I don't want to make it a big deal, because to me (even though it is) it's only a small part of who I am - though I feel like I'm talking about it all the time. I also don't like to make people awkward and uncomfortable, but I know that I do. It's hard and weird and I don't like it.

Hopefully as time goes on, people just talk about it amongst themselves and everyone gets on the same page. Thankfully, almost all of my friends already "like" this blog and page, so I didn't have to individually tell everyone. Thank you, internet!

That's another thing. It is SO much easier to tell people virtually rather than face to face. Because then I can lay out all the details - stage, type, curable, treatments, etc. - and everyone can digest it at his or her own speed. Then they can type out an equally thought out reply, getting all their feelings down, and we can have a nice conversation about it or something else. But when I just spring it on them...no one wins.

If you have any tips for me, especially cancer survivors, on how you have/would deal with this, please let me know.

Chemo number 6 is 6 days away! Officially starting them on Fridays now instead of Wednesdays. After this one, two more until the PET scan!

Current symptoms, side effects, and complaints: Hair thinning like crazy. I am amazed every day that so much can fall out, but I still have a full head of hair on my head. If I had thinner hair, it would easily be all gone by now.