The One Where I'm Not so Positive

Last Friday (at 5:30 in the morning) I had one of my last pre-treatment procedures: getting a port. A port is basically a little piece of bionic equipment that goes underneath my skin beneath my left collar bone. During chemotherapy, nurses will use the port to draw blood and inject the medicine. This is nice because I won't need IVs anymore and the chemo won't tear my little veins apart. Not a ton to report on the procedure itself. It was quick. I can't feel the port in me, which is neat, and hasn't affected my sleeping at all.

(Having a piece of metal in my body = Iron Man).



Instead of just reporting what I'm doing, this post is going to be about how I'm doing emotionally. Gotta keep things interesting :)

Thursday and Friday were hard days. There isn't really a particular reason, the surgery on Friday didn't affect me especially, but they were hard emotionally. I found myself lethargic, mopey, and grumpy. No matter how many mind tricks I played on myself, I couldn't seem to get out my slump. But honestly, this was okay and probably really needed.

A lot of people have been commenting on how positive my blogs are, and the nurses at both the hospital and the cancer center say that I have a good, strong attitude about cancer. And a lot of the time, I'm not really thinking about it or how it's affecting my life. But to be more honest, and especially to reach out to future cancer patients, it's important to realize how much sadness and anxiety is a part of this experience. I had a really good tip come in a couple weeks ago when I first put the Facebook page up that it's helpful to set aside 10-15 minutes when things seem really rough to just mope or have a pity party. A set time limit helps these moments of despair become tolerable, and that don't seem to consume your life as much as they could. 1 in 4 cancer patients end up with depression, and it's really easy for me to see how that could happen. But it's so much easier to cure cancer when you have a more positive attitude about it. You try harder and your body works with you when you have the goal of getting better.

When you think about it, I'm really blessed. There are millions of people with cancer all over the globe. I could have gotten this as an old Haitian woman. I could have gotten a worse cancer in the United States. I could be younger than I am or much older than I am. I could be one of the thousands of Americans who can't afford health insurance (mini dance party for subsidies! :)). I could have an even worse disease, like multiple sclerosis, which is so, so much worse than cancer. My prayers and deep admiration for anyone living with MS. You are the hero here.

Finding the positives and little silver linings (sorry for the cliche) are necessary when going through this. For me (and not many people besides me), losing my hair is an opportunity to try a style I never would have and have an excuse to shave it all off for several months. This means 2 minute (tops) showers and helping out the environment. I also can really see how many people love me through your comments and well wishes. It absolutely makes my day when I hear from a friend or relative who sends their love.

There are obvious negatives, and I haven't even started treatment yet. But focusing on the positive parts and venting when I feel too stressed out keeps things tolerable. Current and future cancer patients, it's more than ok to cry or yell. This sucks. What you're going through sucks. I wish you didn't have to go through it. But by relying on those around you who want to help, allowing yourself to have some break downs (they're needed), and recognizing that you can actually get through this, you can avoid depression and become well so much quicker.

Thank you again to my wonderful support team without which I would be lost. I love you all.

Current symptoms, side effects, and complaints: I don't have a huge appetite, and my neck area is sore from the port.

ALSO! Today was a really great day. I spent my time at work building a castle out of cardboard for my summer reading program and found out I will soon be a published author! America Magazine is accepting my manuscript "On the Road to Peacebuilding" for their column Generation Faith. It will probably be a long time before it is actually published, but I'm excited :)